Thursday, December 31, 2015

See You Later 2015


Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!
New Years Eve is rapidly approaching. During my commute to and from work, I began to reflect on things that have occurred this year. I though about the decisions I made and did not make, life events, my relationships (children, family, friendships, significant other), my health, accomplishments, unaccomplished goals and my job. I also thought about what I loved as well as what  hated about this year.

As I look back on 2015, I realize it was a roller-coaster. I went through a lot emotionally, mentally, spiritually, during the first nine months of 2015. Now that in think about it, it was as if I was pregnant. GOD was preparing me for the rebirth of myself. After giving birth, you are thrilled to see who has been growing and moving inside you, who has been keeping you up at night, who has been poking and probing you, basically who has been invading your space. Once you give birth you look forward to nurturing and molding that child into what God has called him or her to become.

Well that is my story for 2015. I love the fact tat I was "pregnant" for months. Throughout these months, I felt every every emotion one could possibly feel. I experienced good times as well as bad ties. I was surrounded by conflict and chaos daily. I did not know what was going on. I felt attacked. Through it all, I continued to pray and I began to attend church regularly. There was a battle going on inside of my body. I became anxious and emotional. During these nine months, I knew who had been poking and probing every fiber of my being. I knew why my space was no longer peaceful, but filled with tension, anger and accusations as well as other things. As a result of this, disgust, bitterness, anger, dislike, irritation, annoyance, confusion, exhaustion and more were growing inside of me. 

No matter how hard I tried nothing I did could shake or break these feelings. I continued to pray. I barely spoke to anyone at home. I began to shut down. Then one night in the shower, I had along conversation with God. I questioned him and I cried while speaking to him. That night I gave everything to God and I knew I was going to be okay. I prayed and asked God for guidance, I prayed and asked God to remove anything that was not supposed to be in my life. I asked God why things were going wrong in my life when I was trying my best to do right by everybody. Why were things always happening. Be careful what you ask for because you just might get it. And I did, but it was not on my time. When you ask God questions or to show you something He will do so, but on his time. You have to be willing to accept how he shows you things. It is not always peaches and cream. You may have to go through some things to get the results you want. I acknowledge my mistakes and I have will continue to grow from them. I am learning to trust my gut, my intuition as it is usually right.

After thinking about all that I have mentioned, I asked myself would I have done anything differently? If so, what? If not, why? I have come to the conclusion that I would not have done anything differently. The decisions I made where best for me and my girls and I will not apologize for making those decisions. I have thought about where I have been, where I am now and where I want to go.

Looking back on 2015, 

  • What did you love/hate about 2015? 
  • What would you do differently? 
  • What do you wish you had done that you did not accomplish?

Monday, December 7, 2015

Peace In The Valley

Two and a half months ago I was in the midst of a terrible storm. Everything that could go wrong did. I had to postpone receiving the right hand of fellowship, my relationship was ending, I was being accused of something that was not true which caused a lot of anger and frustration within me, as well as, tension in my home, I could not sleep and I could not focus. I was losing myself. One mild October Saturday, I decided to go to Shop Rite at Gateway Mall. When I entered I stopped to smell the flowers. For some reason doing this was calming to my spirit. I then proceeded to look at the plants. I browsed all that where there, but I kept going back to this one specific plant. The leaves were dark green, glossy and had white lilies. Before I finished my grocery shopping, I headed back towards the florist to purchase the plant. I had no idea which classification the flower belonged. I had no idea whats the name of the flower. It didn't matter as long as it was in my possession. I forgot to ask the florist the name of the flower, but I made a mental note to ask when I returned.


The following week the girls wanted to go to Five And Below to purchase a few things for Halloween. So of course I stopped at Shop Rite to find out the name of my flower. I was told the name of the plant is Spathiphyllum, which is a Latin word that means prosperity and peace. It is also known as the "Peace Lily". During my research, I found the "peace lily" can have several different meanings, such as innocence, tranquility, solitude, peace, purity, hope, prosperity and balance (of energy). I also read symbolizes Christs resurrection from the dead. Well, I must say that during my storm, my entire being was being tossed back and forth. I was mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically drained. I really had nothing left to give to anyone. I was losing all hope. I was slowly dying. I believe the Lord lead me to Shop Rite that day to purchase the peace lily.

As the days, weeks and months go by, I am slowly getting back to me. It's not easy as I get overwhelmed, but I remain hopeful. Everyday, I am grateful because my soul has been resurrected from the dead. I now have peace and calmness my life and in my home. Things seem to be going in the right direction. There is a positive force illuminating in home. Give are the days of discord and strife that affected me, my girls and home. I decided to begin the implementation process for my new life and new environment for my family. I found that this plant is symbolic of so many things I was longing for and required in my life, my home, my personal space and my for daughters. After all that I have endured, I chose to rise above the storm, stand in my peace and breathe.

I have Learned a valuable lesson from what has happened. I won't make that mistake again. Never Again, No More. I choose to Live in the present. I still have Hope for the future.