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Because Of You

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Dear Father,

I am a mess because of you. 

I have trust issues because of you. You were not there to give me a reason to trust you. Due to your actions or lack there of, I have had a challenging time trusting the man in my life. 

I am in love with a wonderful man. I loveee me some him, but I have issues because of you.

I cannot love and trust him the way I want to because of you. 

I look for reassurance to feel at peace with myself and in my relationship because of you.

I have placed the responsibility on him to be my everything because of you. I am sensitive to rejection because of you. 

I have endured a life of fear of being abandoned and due to that, I have become anxious and clingy in my relationship because of you. 

I am waiting on day that he decides to leave, walk out and abandon me because I cannot understand why he would stay; Because you my father walked out before knowing me. In was left abandoned. I was an after thought.

You were supposed to be there because I was your creation. I was YOUR child, your daughter, a part of you.

I am hurt. I am broken. I am miserable and I am frustrated with my myself because of you. I am conflicted and filled with unrest because of you. 

I am at war with myself and with him because of you. I am emotionally at odds with myself and others because of you. 

I so wanted to have a father and be a daddy’s girl. My mother’s father, my grandfather was my father. He was my life and I meant everything to him. 

Unfortunately, our relationship is not the same and it bothers me. It is like a piece of me has died. Again, it has to do with trust.

I struggle with the thought that I am worthy of being loved and receiving love because of you. In my eyes, it looked like I was not worth fighting for.

While all the above has caused a long-lasting impact on my life, I am working hard, striving to improve, to heal and move forward in my life.  


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