Skip to main content

On the Road to Recovery

I honestly thought I was over this, but yesterday I realized I never addressed the issue what I did was suppress the issue. This past Sunday I went to church with a heavy heart. I was raised in the church and as an adult I attend church often. However, the last year or so, I fell off the wagon and I have not been attending as often as I should. This Sunday was different. I went with a different purpose. I refused to leave the house of the Lord without releasing one of many things that has held me hostage all of my life... my nonexistent relationship with my father.

The sermon was great. Ironically, the topic was "Are You Just Like Your Father"? I thought about that question during and after the sermon. That is one of several questions that I cannot answer. It was during the sermon I realized I was a prisoner that I am free, but I live behind bars. Certain areas of my life have been affected by failed relationships (whether friendships, family or significant other). Today I will start with what I believed to be the start of my issues.

If I would have had a relationship with him, I think all of my relationships (as stated above) would have had different results. I have acknowledged the absence of my father has affected my life, but it's time that I rise up and break every chain. At the end of the service, I sought out the person that my spirit led me to...Rev. Smith-Wright. Although the service was over, Reverend Smith-Wright took the time to listen to me, talk to me and provide me insight. I needed to talk to someone who knows nothing about me will not judge me and can be neutral. I am proud to say that after talking, crying and praying about everything I/we are on the road to recovery and forgiveness.

Yesterday I decided to take back my life. I must accept all aspects of ME and to do that I must accept and live in my truth. Today is the first day of my recovery and I will accept my truth. For those of you who do not know me, my name is Lyndia. I'm going to be a little vulnerable and let you all into an area of my life that I refused to deal with until now.

They say the first step to recovery is to admit and accept there is a problem. My truth is:

  • I am 36 years old and I am a daddy less daughter. 
  • I think about what it would have been like had he been there
  • I have abandonment issues (feeling of guilt and  an occasional feeling of worthlessness)
  • I have trust issues (I don't trust too many people)
Because I have some resentment and bitterness about certain issues in my life, it has been a struggle to find happiness (outside of my daughters). During my journey of forgiveness, I will let go of grudges, bitterness and resentment. I will forgive my self and others. I will keep you posted as I embark on this road of recovery forgiveness and emotional freedom. 


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

A Rainbow of My Own

While sitting in the middle of my bed after waking up for the second time today, guess what I saw on my bedroom wall? A rainbow. Before you ask, no there was nothing in my window and there was nothing on my television stand that allowed any sort of reflection. I was baffled and amazed. Yet I continued to stare at it until it faded. I believe it was God's way of getting my attention. His way of communicating and relaying his message to me.
There have been days when life seems to get the best of me. I have so much on my mind. It seems as though it is constantly racing. It never slows down or stop. As a result, I often have sleepless nights. There have been times when I wanted to give up which was the easiest thing to do. However, I know that quitting is never an option and not the example I want to set for my two brown girls. I know it is only because of God's grace that my strength grows and I can move forward.
I often pray and talk to God. However, I have been praying and tal…

Who Do You Identify With In The Sea Of Life?

While attending Medgar Evers College, I was introduced to the worlds renowned author Ms. Iyanla Vanzant. My public speaking professor began each class with a daily meditation from Acts of Faith which was authored by Ms. Vanzant. Eventually, I purchased this book and a few others. Years later, I continue to read the Acts of Faith.

While sitting at my desk, I turned to today's meditation and my eyes made it's way to the bottom of the page. The message stated "I know who I am in the sea of life." After reading it, I reversed it and asked myself two questions. "Do you know who you are in the sea of life?" "Who do you identify with in the sea of life?"

My eyes scrolled back to the top of the page and I began to read today's daily meditation. As I am reading, I realize I have encountered almost every fish that was mentioned. This made me think about the people I have crossed paths with in the past, as well as, in the present. It also caused me to th…

She Did It Without Him

For the past two weeks, Nyasia has been preparing for this day. She had practice every day after school from 6pm -7:30pm and two Super Saturday rehearsals from 9am-1pm. This rehearsal includes the marching band and her dance mates who only attend the performing arts program after school and on Saturdays. During this rehearsal, the entire performing arts program and the band practice the routine together. Today is the day. It is one of the most important days of her life. Nyasia spent all her time rehearsing afterschool and out home. She along with her bandmates from The Brooklyn United Marching Band (BU) performed at the Nets vs Knicks halftime show. This was her first time performing at such a large venue. She was excited and scared at the same time. I was thrilled to be there to support her and provide her words of encouragement and comfort during our commute to the venue. 
The call time was at 11:30am. I awoke at 7:30am to prepare myself. At 8:30am I begin preparing, checking and …